Goldie’s birth

One of my dreams has always been to have a peaceful, beautiful home birth where I can give birth in the water and immediately snuggle up with baby in my bed! That was the plan for three years as we tried and tried to get pregnant with Goldie. Finally in January of 2021 we found out that we were pregnant again and I immediately texted my midwife with the news. The 10 months of pregnancy flew by and soon it was my due date, september 25th! We had everything set up and I was getting so excited as I would be the first of my sisters to give birth to one of the fab four. Nothing happened for five full days after my due date. Finally on the morning of the 29th I started contracting at 7:30 AM. I was so excited because with Fred, I started contractions at 7 and had a baby by 2:30! I just knew that that would be the case here too.

I got up, made some beef stew, for after the birth, took a shower and went for a walk. My mom came and got the kids and I had a midwife appt at 10:30. When she walked in I told her that I was contracting! She had a few more meetings that day so I said I would contact her when I was ready. All day long I had mini contractions but nothing crazy or helpful. I was so frustrated by 4 oclock when I finally decided to try the miles circuit in case she was in a weird position. My mom came to drop off the kids while I was in a forward leaning position and the second I stood up I felt a gush of fluid. It was the weirdest feeling! I ran to the bathroom and it was brown when I wiped. I was pissed!!! That meant that I had meconium in my waters and I was officially on the clock. I also thought that maybe with my water broken, labor would speed up like it had with Noa. I called the midwife and asked her to come over to check me when she could because I still wasn't having great contractions. She came over and checked and I was only four cm but when she checked another big gush of fluid came out that was tinged green and brown. It was definitely meconium.

I was so annoyed with my baby girl!! I felt a little betrayed! If my water hadn’t broken, I would have been able to let my body do its thing for a long time but with meconium I only felt comfortable being at home for about 24 hours before going in. I still thought maybe it could happen so we got to work! I ingested black and blue cohosh every hour or so, pumped like a madwoman and bounced/walked like you can’t believe. That night was so hard for me. It felt like there was no respite from trying to get this baby out and my contractions would basically stop when I stopped pumping. I was getting so frustrated. I decided to sleep around 4 AM and slept for about three hours until I woke up to my kids. I pumped and took castor oil and showered. Stephen and I went on a walk and my contractions had basically stopped.

Another funny thing about this story is that we had a huge gaping hole in our road right in front of our house for about a month before my due date. Literally the morning I started contracting was when the road crews came, closed off our street and started road work. Talk about stressful and so so loud! We had to move our cars down the road and I was so annoyed!

Anyway that morning my contractions completely stopped and baby girl's heart rate was all over the place. She wasn't tolerating labor as well as we would have liked but it also wasn't emergent. I continued pumping etc and I didn’t have any more gushes of water but I felt the time ticking by knowing that my body was not interested in doing this thing! At noon I asked my midwife what else there was to be done. She said we could do one more round of castor oil or we could go to the hospital. At this point I was so so done! I was exhausted and frustrated and angry at my baby and confused at my body. I had so many emotions running through my head. I also couldn't stop thinking about the risks of meconium in your waters and kept running through those as well. I asked if she could call Dr Farris (my OBGYN) and see if she would be willing to deliver me at research medical center. That woman is an angel on this earth and agreed to meet us there. We drove to research and my heart was just shattered.

I had decided that, after Fred’s amazing birth center birth, I would never have another baby in the hospital and here I was, with very little choice in the matter! My baby and body were conducting this whole thing without me! We got to the hospital and everyone was amazing. They got us set up, which took a while and I bounced on the ball. At some point everything just came crashing down on me. I started to have a panic attack and couldn't stop thinking about what would happen if this baby didn’t make it earthside. What if something was wrong with her and that’s why she wouldn’t come out? What if she was in a terrible position and I had to have surgery? I was so exhausted that I couldn’t even think straight. I called my sister and sobbed to her and asked everyones opinion on if I should get the epidural or not. I couldn’t get a handle on myself and so much of labor is being able to focus and be at your very best mentally. I was 100% not at my very best. In the back of my mind I kept thinking about what would happen if I needed to get a c-section and I wanted so badly to be awake and aware if that was the case. I decided to get the epidural.

Even saying those words makes me want to throw up. We got everything ready and the anesthesiologist came in. We made small talk as I wasn't having any contractions. The epidural went in and I remember my amazing midwife Darcie asked me if I had any burning in my legs or butt. I didn’t and then all of a sudden I did. I told her and then I said “darcie I’m falling!” I wasn't falling but the anesthesiologist had slipped and ended up giving me a spinal instead of an epidural and it was traveling up to my throat. I couldn't feel anything and I couldn't breathe. My blood pressure tanked and the baby's heart rate tanked. They laid me on my side and, although I knew I would be fine, I also couldn’t help but think “what were you thinking you idiot! You knew the risks!!” I was so frustrated with myself. They turned off the epidural and it slowly left my body until I could finally breathe again. Baby girl regained her composure and everything was OK!

One of the other reasons we had come to the hospital was because her heart rate was all over the place so it was important that we get her heart rate under control to know that she wasn’t in distress. Finally I was able to get up into queen’s position and everything settled down and we started pitocin! It had been hours by this point so I was relieved to get the show on the road. I rested and took a bit of a nap while the pit amped up. I finally started to feel the contractions and the girl would NOT stop moving. Looking back I think she was upset that we were finally canceling her party. I was so grateful for her movement though because I needed a reminder that she was Ok. I was still a mess so I asked if the anesthesiologist could give me a tiny dose of epidural to help me calm down and get back in a good head space. A new doc came in and I told him to treat me like a five foot, 80 lbs woman! He gave me a tiny dose which lasted about 15 minutes. It was exactly what I needed to be able to focus and concentrate. I found out later that the nurses and Dr Farris were outside my room waiting for me to crash again because they weren't sure what would happen. I was so grateful for that respite. It's funny looking back because the epidural was equal parts horrible and exactly what I needed.

Over the next hour or so we ramped up my pit to a 16 (that's pretty high, this baby was NOT interested in being born!) and I took one contraction at a time while sitting in queen’s position (the only position she was interested in.) This next part is TMI but it's part of her story so I have to add it! All of a sudden I had the urge to go #2. I was SO PISSED that they wouldn't let me get up because I knew that my epidural had worn off. They wouldn't let me go to the bathroom so I had to try to use a bedpan. HA! That was a nightmare in and of itself. I had taken castor oil earlier in the day so that was still in my system (it causes diarrhea) and I had a baby trying to come out of me. I was SO annoyed! I kept telling Darcie that I didn't need to push, I needed to poop! I asked for another shot of epidural which was perfect and alsted another 15 minutes. Once that was basically gone I literally felt Goldie move her way out of my hips and into my pelvis. It was the most bizarre feeling!

The epidural was just enough to take away the burning in my hips and let me feel everything else. It was truly an amazing experience! I started to feel pushy and Darcie walked with my every step of the way. I let her come down on her own with minimal pushing and Stephen slept through the whole first stage of pushing! It was great. I started to feel her head and Dr. Farris came in and calmly directed me to slow down (which I have a hard time doing with pushing!) When we first got there the student doctor came in and asked if I would be Ok if they assisted in the delivery. I told him that was fine but I would be catching my own baby. He was so confused and the nurse said something like “well do you know what to do if there’s a shoulder dystocia?” I do but I think she was also confused with what I meant because I didn't want to be alone while delivering. I just wanted to pick her up and put her on my own chest. At this point in the pushing her head was out and I had the thought in my head from that nurse that there was no way after all this that I could deal with a shoulder dystocia! So instead of waiting and letting the baby come out on her own I pushed with every single ounce of power that I had and she catapulted out and into Dr. Farris’s waiting hands.

I immediately grabbed her and brought her to my chest and sobbed and sobbed. I couldn't believe that she was here. After 2 ½ years of infertility and 10 long months of waiting and 2 full days of labor, my perfect girl was here, screaming her head off! She screamed and screamed for a full 5 minutes while I cried and held her. The baby nurse tried to clean her off (she was COVERED in meconium) and I yelled at her and told her not to touch her yet! (Dr. Farris said it was less of a yell than I thought but I did feel bad!) I clung to her and cried.

They finally cleaned her up and weighed her at a tiny 9 lbs 9 oz! She was the same weight as I was when I was born so we gave her my middle name. Goldie Emily Moore. She is an angel baby and I wouldn’t change this experience for anything. Knowing what I know now, Goldie was holding on tight and having one more chat with her cousin Micky, knowing that she wouldn’t get to hold him again for quite some time. I understand now and I can’t hold it against her.